Notice that when I spelled out would’ve in this blog title, it is “would have” and NOT “would of”. Learn it and practice it, people-on-the-internet.
Carry on.
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Right now, my rage with package carriers knows no bounds. FedEx is today’s target, but it could just as easily have been UPS (next time you don’t leave my “signature waived”, refrigerated, $12,000 medication at my home, Herr UPS Man, be prepared to wear some protective gear at all times…just sayin’).
FedEx is not typically crappy about leaving packages. But I have learned over time that leaving a package is up to the driver’s discretion. This is based on where you live and the traffic in your mail area.
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*Note: I live in a small town in New Hampshire, in a condo development that consists mainly of elderly people. It is DAN-GER-OUS.
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UPS is the one who normally makes my life hell. Sometimes they leave a package, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they leave a slip for me to sign so they can leave it, sometimes they make me pick it up at their warehouse. Mind you… these are all actions completely independent of what the shipper has asked for. Even if there is no signature required, UPS has done all of these things. And I am convinced they were done JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.
Until just recently, FedEx would always leave my packages (unless they were specifically signature required). But their record of not pissing me off has been broken.
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Here’s the timeline:
7/16 FedEx attempted to deliver to my home
7/18 I found out FedEx attempted to deliver to my home because I checked the tracking number online – NO SLIP WAS LEFT ON MY DOOR.
7/18 Called FedEx, asked why no slip was left (reply: “driver is not doing his job correctly”) and why the package was not left as there was no signature required (reply: “I have no idea”). Was told a note would be sent to the driver to leave the package. Was also told they would not be attempting to deliver again until 7/19 because DID YOU KNOW FEDEX DOES NOT ATTEMPT HOME DELIVERY ON MONDAYS? NEITHER DID I.
7/19 Came home and no package. And also, hey, whattaya know… NO MOTHERFUCKING SLIP ON MY DOOR. I checked online, and, yep, they made another attempt.
7/19 I called FedEx AGAIN. Only this time, when asked “how can I help you?”, I replied “I am not sure because I am very very angry right now”.
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Note: This is my new tactic so that I avoid blasting some pee-0n phone person who not only does not care but really cannot do anything for me without going through seventeen supervisors. Now, when I am especially peeved, I start right off by telling the person I am very angry and that they might as well cut to the chase and send me to a supervisor RIGHT NOW.
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7/19 Relayed the story YET AGAIN. Was told YET AGAIN that a note would be sent to the driver. When I mentioned this had been done before and how could I possibly trust anything this person says when I have been oh-so-misled already, I was told “I don’t see a note in the record that you spoke with anyone”.
What? BALLS. BALLS. BALLS. SCROTUM.
Ok, so my next comment to this person (in the most menacing voice I could muster) was: “what if my package is still not left tomorrow?” The subtext was “if my package is not left tomorrow, I will indiscriminately throat punch every FedEx driver I see, guilty or not, until justice is served”.
This person’s reply, however, was: “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.” (Unless it was the Throat Punching Bridge of America, I would not be crossing any bridge with FedEx.)
And then she said, “I will leave a note for the driver explaining what you just told me, and that there is no signature required, and would he please please please leave the package.”
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Note: Oh, I get it. The person I spoke to the day before must have only used two “please’s”.
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Well, as you can tell from the title, my package was left. I checked online. I am not even home yet. But I have been checking every hour since 7:30 this morning. And it’s there. I hope.
If you are a FedEx driver, you better hope so too.
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Hormones on Parade 
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