Naughty words – here they come…or…Stories that make me laugh

I recently recalled a few stories… that are true.  They are funny to me.  Probably because they involve naughty words or suggestive phrases.

Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed living them.

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Story one…

In 2003, I went to Gathering of the Vibes with two of my friends.  It was still being held in upstate New York on a huge parcel of land resembling a farm.  It might actually have been a farm.  It was huge fun (despite a downpour the first night).  I got to see James Brown!  (Weird, right?  At a jam band venue?)  While we were standing amongst a crowd waiting for the next show, my friend Charleen all of a sudden let out a bellowing laugh (this is her normal laugh, btw, hearty and from her toes).  I turned to look and a guy walking towards us had on a shirt that read:

FUCK YOU

YOU FUCKING FUCK

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As the guy walked by, he smiled at Charleen’s laugh (still in progress).  This guy was not huge or anything.  Just meaty.  And you could tell that he could back that t-shirt up one hundred percent.

It gets better.

Fast forward a few years, and in 2006 we went back to the Vibes (minus Charleen).  As my friend Amy and I walked amongst the vendors, I saw the guy.  I knew it was him.  So, I said to Amy, “I think that’s the ‘fuck you you fucking fuck’ guy.”  She said, “oh really” as if to say “that’s cute you see him everywhere now”.

But I walked up to this guy, and the following conversation took place:

Me: Were you here three years ago?

Guy: Yes…

Me: Do you have a t-shirt that says “fuck you you fucking fuck”?

Guy (perking up): Yes!  I do have a t-shirt that says “fuck you you fucking fuck”!

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Aha!  I knew it.  You just don’t forget a dude like that.  Or his aggressive shirt.

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Story two…

My ex-boyfriend was very funny.  He frequently matched my “cut you off at the knees” humor.  But he was also funny in an almost innocent “why are you laughing at that” way.

I don’t have to tell you he watched porn – not regularly like he needed an intervention, but like every guy on this planet watches porn.  Curious about this phenomena (because women just aren’t as into it, I don’t think), I asked him point-blank about this activity.

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Me: So…when you watch porn…do you masturbate?  I mean, is that what you do?

Ex (after some deliberation): Well… sometimes, I guess.  Sometimes, I just have a sandwich.

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A sandwich.

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That?  Has to be the funniest thing anyone has ever said relating to porn.  I instantly got an image of my ex sitting down to lunch and catching up on his porn.  Oh.  My.  God.

I continue to tell this story to this day as an example of how men view porn – part of life as well as part of a balanced meal.

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Last story…

For quite some time, I was a frequent patron of The Strange Brew Tavern (now over 100 beers on tap!).  I still like to go, but for a while I was there every Sunday night to see the blues jam musicians.

And I was not the only one.

There would be others who would also be there every Sunday night.  One of them was a veteran in a wheelchair.  I assumed he was a vet because he wore some type of patriotic ball cap and there were two American flags flying from each side of his chair.

One night, I happened to look over at the back of his chair, and then nearly fell off of mine.  He had a bumper sticker on the back of his wheelchair.  And this is what it said:

MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR MOM.

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Holy.  Hell.  Oh.  My.  God.

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I think I jabbed a friend and pointed madly.  “Look!”  I mean, that is BRAZEN.  But, you know what?  It was funny as hell and he got away with it.  So, good on him.

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best birthday card EVER

Got a bday card from my mom today.  The image is shaking because I am laughing hysterically.

Wtf is this?  I don’t know, but I LOVE IT.

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I am on fire

I got an email from someone on a dating site I forgot I joined.

Here’s the message from bigblack69 (he was not born in 1969, so I wonder what THAT means…hmmm):

“Subject: a queen i would love to meet

Hello my name’s _____”  (then there is a phone number for me to call)

Have I got it going on or WHAT?

Shalloween

Not sure what’s up with my title for this entry, and it has no relevance to this particular Halloween, but I like it.

Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I wanted to write an entry about it.  But I realized that now that I am…ahem…almost…. MIDDLE AGED….my Halloweens are less exciting and revolve less around extreme scares and more around getting some great decorations from Target – ON SALE.

My Halloween started about a month ago when I bought a bag of candy corn.  Candy corn is my favorite thing about Halloween.  And I was convinced that one could only find candy corn during Halloween, until my mom proved me wrong by mailing me a dusty bag of stale candy corn in May, claiming she found it at the grocery store’s sale bin.  Thanks, mom!

This Halloween, I ate candy corn, decorated my home, wore a costume to a party, and watched trick or treaters at a friend’s house.  I was so festive and wholesome, it makes me gag a little.  To the contrary, on Sunday (Halloween and the day after the party) I did not feel well because I think my body was like, “please, stop with the candy and booze….and while you’re at it, you are lactose intolerant so stop trying to deny it”.

Completely unrelated:  candy corn + milk = yummmmmmmm

I also spent this Halloween boxing up the “memorabilia” (if you will) of a long relationship that ended.  No, the ubiquitous holiday images of knives and blood did NOT spur on this activity.  Nope.  😉  What did spur it on was the need to start letting go.  Another reason why I think Halloween is awesome?  Costumes.  Costumes that turn you into someone or something else.  And this year I needed to get away from myself for a bit.

I decided to be Medusa.  I think it came out pretty good – people liked it and I felt festive.  Too bad I could not master that “turning men to stone” thing…