Quirk can kiss my dimpled white ass

Seriously.  I find dealership service centers to be immoral on a good day.  At times, criminal even.  Below is the letter I fired off to GM, the Better Business Bureau, and the dealership itself.  This reminds me of the Best Buy clusterfuck… dear lord, I am so exhausted.


To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the service provided to my Saturn vehicle by GM/Chevrolet. This service, or lack thereof, has cost me money and threatens my safety and well-being, as I am not currently driving a safe vehicle.

Here is what happened:

1) In June 2009, I purchased a 2008 Saturn Astra. The vehicle was brand new with 14 miles on it.

2) In 2011, my horn stopped working. On July 29, 2011 I brought my car to Quirk Chevrolet in Manchester, NH – the local GM branch that was servicing Saturn vehicles. They informed me that there was a technical service bulletin for this vehicle, and “fixed” the horn free of charge. According to the invoice, the bulletin doc id# was 2551417. (I have not yet been able to locate this bulletin id or its description anywhere online.)

3) Despite the “service” I received, I continued to periodically have issues with the horn, as well as the radio controls located on the steering wheel. I was reluctant to bring it back to Quirk because, when I called to ask about the problem, I was told that I would be charged a diagnostic fee until they could determine if it was the “exact same issue” I had before. Quirk’s diagnostic fee is $95 – a price I could not afford to take a chance on.

4) I noticed that, when the horn did not work, it correlated with the radio volume control on the steering wheel (right hand side) not working. If I tried to raise the volume and could not, I immediately knew the horn was not functioning.

5) At the start of this year, the horn (and volume control) ceased to work at all. I knew I could not put it off any longer. (Unfortunately, my mechanic was unable to do the work. He indicated that he thought it was a problem with the transmission between the horn signal and the modem of my vehicle. An idea that Quirk NEVER brought up, btw.) I went back to Quirk.

6) On March 8, 2014, I went to Quirk’s service center. I explained the situation, including the detail that when the volume control did not work, neither did the horn. I paid a $95 diagnostic fee, and they looked at my car for over 3 hours. I was told by my liaison, Fred, that I needed a switch in my steering wheel. I then paid another $54.98 for the “switch”. I had to wait for the part to arrive, so it was not until March 22, 2014 that my car was “fixed”. On that day, I paid another $66.50 for labor. Total cost to me was $216.48.

7) The very next day (Sunday), I drove to the grocery store. I tried to raise the volume on the radio and it did not work. Neither did my horn. I called Quirk the following Monday and was told to bring it back.

8) I brought it back in on March 28, 2014 and that is when I discovered, from talking with Fred, that the “switch” they replaced was for the radio control only. They did not do any repair to fix the horn because the horn worked when they looked at it. Fred also tried to charge me another $95 to look at my car again. I told him that I was not paying that amount because they obviously had not fixed the problem that I originally brought my car in there for. Quirk was unable to do anything at this time because, once again, the horn was working.

9) On April 22, 2014, my horn was not working (again). I immediately drove it to Quirk. Unfortunately, it started working on the way there. Once again, they could do nothing. But I was told that they would research service bulletins, etc. I am not sure why they did not do this from the beginning. I told them this was important, as it is a safety hazard. I have no idea when my horn will or won’t work!

10) I still have not heard from Fred or anyone else at Quirk.

At this point, I am very upset. I paid over $200 to have a “switch” replaced that I probably did not need. I say that because the radio control STILL does not periodically work. THE SAME EXACT PROBLEMS WITH THE HORN AND THE RADIO STILL EXIST.

The horn in my vehicle still periodically does not work. And I do not have time to drive to Quirk every time it happens. I have a job. Where I need to make money to pay for repairs I don’t need, evidently.

I am extremely disappointed with the fact that Quirk is unable to help me and seems unwilling to help. I am upset that my safety is at risk because Quirk was too lazy to look up technical service bulletins (I recently found one poking around on my own – SB-10276 indicates a problem with loose wiring in the Saturn Astra that could cause the horn to periodically not function properly). I am horrified I’ve had to shell out as much money as I have for a repair I most likely did not need. I am saddened that it is just this type of scenario that makes me despise dealership service centers. I can assure you, I will never set foot there again.

The exception would be if 1) you arranged for me to be refunded the money I have spent that I clearly did not need to spend because nothing has been fixed, and 2) you promised me the problem WOULD BE FIXED PERMANENTLY.

I recommend that you train your service staff to be more thorough and to care more about the safety of your customers.


THIS BITCH (no, I signed my real name)




Rock & Shock ’em

Yesterday I went to Rock & Shock.  I am not sure how to describe it, but it is geared towards horror fans.  It consists of vendors with goods to sell, celebrity guests signing autographs, plus panels and discussions.  I went with Shalisha and Corey – probably my only friends who watch horror movies.


*Note: I can thank my mom for my love of horror movies AND my imperviousness to being scared.  And probably a few neuroses.


I had so much fun!

First of all, when we walked in there was a huge booth dedicated to Troma merchandise.  Hallelujah, Redneck Zombies!!

It was so exciting that I found myself acting oddly cheerful.  For example, I saw a 3 3/4″ figurine and started squealing, “Look at the tiny Leatherface!  Look at him!  Who’s the tiny Leatherface, who is?” – as if I was talking to a toddler.

And not 5 minutes later, I beckoned to Corey to come look at the Extreme Horror booth’s featured movie “Fetus” and exclaimed, “Look!  It was banned in Germany!  You know how much you love movies banned in Germany!”

extreme is right

We were told Germans don’t take kindly to movies featuring decapitated fetuses.


Other items seen at vendor booths:

a birdeater tarantula (fuck no)

legless lizards (why is that not just called a snake?  no idea)

tiny zombie gnomes (hell yes, I got one)

a giant tortoise (I don’t get it either)

a vintage figure of the Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror” (and all I could do was keep screaming, “it’s life sized!  it’s life sized!”)

my name is "He Who Kills"

He may be small but he will ruin your night.


The highlight for me was getting autographs!

The first one we got was Laurence Harvey – he of Human Centipede 2.  One of the most graphically disturbing movies I’ve ever seen.  It makes the first Human Centipede look like a Disney movie.  (I said that to Laurence Harvey and he looked at me and said, “Oh yes”.  Creepy?  Oh, yes.)  Shalisha almost cried because he scared her so much.  She took my picture with him, and, unbeknownst to me, he whipped out a stapler for the photo (see the movie to get the significance – if you dare).  This caused Shalisha to shake in fright and all the pics to be slightly blurry.

He was very nice, however.  At least, I think he was.  Here’s how he signed my movie:

what.  the.  fuck.

“I’ll be thinking of you (with barbed wire in my hand!)” – CREEPY
The heart was a nice touch, tho.


I was the most tongue tied when I spoke with David Naughton.  This is most likely because I kept vaguely insulting him.

I love David Naughton – of “American Werewolf in London“, Dr. Pepper commercials, and a hardly watched 70’s TV show called “Makin’ It”.  In an attempt to express this love, I started off with, “I know I don’t look this old, but I watched your TV show Makin It.”  This old.  He gently said, “I don’t look that old to have made that show.”  Me: “No, YOU DON’T.”  Shalisha told him I made her watch the video of him singing the theme song (of the same name) so then I said, “You were a Renaissance man!” (were?  were??)  “You ARE one.  You are one NOW.”

Jesus.  Just shoot me now.

David Naughton, if you read this, I AM SO SORRY.

what a douche I am

David Naughton – very nice, and talented, and willing to pose with a douchebag


I was equally as excited to meet Danny Trejo!  Who is so cute you could put him in your pocket!  Until Shalisha reminded me he might cut me.

He was very gracious.  He even insisted we get a group photo!  And I would not budge one inch from him when we did it.  I was gonna have me some Danny action.


looks nice, kicks ass


The last autograph I got was….are you ready?… ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL.


Holy hell.  I was not prepared for him to seem so…. tall.  And soft spoken.  And genuine.

Seriously, his handshake was friendly.  His eye contact was unwavering.  Sincere.

Perhaps this is why, after he shook my hand and sat down, I blurted “I love you!”.  And I did it in a tone that said, “let’s just get this out in the open…I love you”.  He smiled graciously.

But.  I.  Kept.  Going.

Because.  Because I remembered how he was the iconic geek boy and then one day – BAM! – he was not.  I think it was when I saw “Edward Scissorhands” that I first noticed AMH had filled outIn a good way.

So, I said, “you know, as you got older, you got better and better looking”.

He replied, “that’s very nice of you to say”.  I insisted that I could not possibly be the only person who said this to him, but he still thanked me as if it was the first time he’d ever heard it.  Maybe it was.  I don’t know.  I cannot even think because I was talking to ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL.

And you guys?  His eyes are the most incredible blue.  Like, I may have visited heaven when I looked into them.


What’s important here is that ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL IS TOUCHING ME.


All in all, I’d say it was a great day!  Can’t wait until next year!



7 Days of Positive Thoughts – Day 5

Wow.  I really suck at this posting daily thing.  I need to post for days 5 and 6.


Day 5 Positive Thought:  Rainy days are perfect for relaxing.


I love rainy days.  Yes, I love them for the wistfully romantic overtones of rain on the window while someone stares pensively into the cloudy sky.


But I love them more because they give me the chance to putter around my house in fuzzy socks and lounge about reading a book without feeling any guilt for not being outside (which I distinctly feel when the weather is sunny and brisk).

The Carpenters were crazy to let rainy days get them down.  Eddie Rabbitt had it right when he said he loved a rainy night.  Go figure.


7 Days of Positive Thoughts – Day 3

Ooh, I am hedging into day 4…it’s very late.  But, here goes…

Day 3 Positive Thought:  Sometimes I exceed my own expectations.


I never thought I’d run.  For anything.  I figured I’d have to be chased by an axe murderer or running from a fire to… RUN.  But this is apparently not the case.

Today, I did more than I could have thought possible.  For me, anyway.  And it is truly amazing.


Every time I think I know my limits, I prove myself wrong.


No one is chasing me and nothing is on fire.

I started doing the Couch to 5K program a few weeks ago.  The basic idea is that you gradually go from no running to being able to run a 5K.  It’s an interval training program and I think it’s brilliant.

But I still hate running.  I have not learned to love it.  Yet.

I asked a friend who runs how long it will take before I have that “addiction” that runners have.  She said she did not want to tell me because she did not want to discourage me.  So, I am just going to assume it takes six years.  GAAAAAAAHHHH.


Fortunately for me, I have someone to run with.  This is very motivating.

This is exactly what I said to my running partner this morning:

I am glad I have you to run with, because, if I didn’t, I would not have gotten up this morning.  Furthermore, every time I ask you to run, I really don’t want to.  Every time you ask me to run, I really don’t want to.  And every time you ask if we’re still on for our next running date, I want to say no.  But I do it anyway.


But, no worries.  I am still running.  And it still sucks.


I’m not funny and I think I scare people.

When it comes to men, I have a “type”.  That type is typically pasty white (from being inside a lot), pudgy (perhaps from not being outside that much), intelligent, and cuttingly sarcastic.  And by “intelligent” I mean freakishly so.  And by “cuttingly sarcastic”, I mean he is sometimes offensive and makes people cry.

I know.  It seems very specific.  I have a very specific type.

I also have a thing for gingers (if you’ve never heard the term, it’s red-haired men).

You don’t have to tell me I have narrowed down my dating pool significantly with all these specifics.  This is evidenced by the lack of dates I am going on.


I get very excited when I see famous people who fit most or all of these criteria.  Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of them.  I don’t know if he is cuttingly sarcastic, but many of his roles require this trait so I can easily transpose it onto him.  I love this man.  I find him endlessly attractive.  I have always secretly loved Danny Bonaduce, but he lacks any modicum of decency, so he’s out.  Kevin McKidd is absolutely dreamy, but I see no trace of sarcasm in him.  And Seth Green?  Oh my gosh, I have loved him for ages.  He’s married to a super hot model/actress but I don’t hold that against him.  He is fantastically talented.


And then there is Louis CK.  This man is brilliantly funny.  His latest TV show “Louie” is, at times, very funny.  But mostly it is cringe-inducing awkward.  Which makes it funny.  You know?

Anyway, in another move I can file under “shit I do that makes me look like a crazy mofo“, I sent Louis CK a message.  It stated:


“I totally missed the boat on getting tickets to one of the nine hundred shows you’re doing in Boston. I also missed out on the one in Portland, ME. I basically suck at life.
I have you seen you before a few times and I am hoping this carries me through the depression that I am most likely going to fall into because of my inability to pay attention to shit.
I live in southern NH, though, so if you want to hang out and have coffee while you’re around, let me know. I have a thing for gingers (it’s true), but I’d leave it at just coffee.”


Really?  Really, Heather?

Yes, really.  And in my unrealistic fantasy, Louis CK actually takes me up on my offer, and then he and I become the best of friends.  My new best friend Louis comes with me to parties and events and some of his new jokes are about our adventures together.

And while I know this is unrealistic, some strange part of me still thinks it might happen.  Because if I can’t imagine a non-existing friendship with Louis CK, then my life is OVER.


I need a job.  Soon.  I have way too much time on my hands.


Mixing up my phrases and whatnot…and being a douche.

Last night, I went to Barnes & Noble (my mecca) with a friend.  When we arrived, we had a couple of choices for parking, and we decided that we would take “the pull through” spot (the spot that you pull through to from the space behind it so that you are facing out of the spot – ready to go).

And the conversation actually went like that – “wanna take that one or the pull through?”


we both said that “the pull through” sounded like it could be a sexual euphemism of some sort.

And the conversation went like this:

Me: “It sounds like something dirty.”

Friend: “I know!”

Me: “You know, it sounds like you’re saying something like….fruit salad.”


Fruit salad.




And my friend rolled with it (mainly because she had no fucking clue what I was talking about) and laughed and said, “yeah, you’re right.”


But, then I thought…what the fuck is “fruit salad” a euphemism for?

Answer: It’s not a euphemism for anything.  (Well, not that I am aware of anyway.)


Then it dawned on me.  And I said, “Nope, sorry.  I am mixing up my euphemisms.”

I then explained to my friend that what I meant to say was “tossing the salad“.  And I mixed that up with another colorful euphemism – “the fruit cup“.


Silly me.


We laughed and 3 1/2 minutes later, still giddy from all the weird euphemisms, we were in the bookstore and looking at magazines.  My friend looked at an entertainment magazine featuring The Hunger Games and I looked at a cerebral pompous film critique magazine (yes, I bought it), and an Asian gentleman was on his blue tooth looking at magazines near the floor.  We started discussing the upcoming Hunger Games film, at which point the Asian gentleman looked up, gestured toward my friend, said, “Nice [something in a heavy Asian accent]”, and then walked away.


My friend looked at me and said, “What did he just say?”

I looked at her and, with all the solemnity I could muster, whispered, “He said ‘nice tits‘”.

Her face went blank for a second before she realized I was being a shit and said, “No, he did not!”

I said, “You don’t know that.  He might have said nice tits.  He may have even asked for a fruit salad.”


You know the rules…and so do I.

Setting:  meeting with my company’s employee activities committee, discussing ways of revamping the committee’s website to be more appealing…


Me: “I think that whenever someone clicks on the site, they should get Rick Rolled.”

Everyone: *laughter*

Me (to head of security): “Oh, but you probably don’t like that idea.”

Everyone: *laughter*

One person: “I’m sorry…what does that mean?”

Another person: “Do you remember Rick Astley?”

Me (singing): “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…”

Everyone: “I remember the first time I was Rick Rolled…”

Everyone: “But seriously, we should make the site fun and appealing.”


Meeting has ended, everyone is getting up…

Me (to chairperson): “But seriously, give some thought to that Rick Roll idea.”


End Scene



I’m a little bit rock & roll too. But Marie’s bob was to DIE for.

At first it was cute.

Then it was liberating.


And then there was this:


Jan 5, 1979

Tonight I watched Donny and Maire.  I liked it.  It was funny.  good night.


Yeah, I misspelled “Marie”.  But this is how I remember them:


Donny - NOT anatomically correct, btw.


And, bitches?  I HAD THOSE DOLLS.


where I get all political and analytical

I was about to lay out a disclaimer about expressing my thoughts on politics but then realized 1) this is my damn blog and I can say whatever I want and 2) no one reads my damn blog anyway.

But if I ever wanted to give a lesson on “The Impact of Media Bias” I could start with yesterday’s visit by Mitt Romney to Manchester, NH.  Mitt Romney, quite simply, went into an eating establishment in Manchester, sat down next to a Vietnam War vet, and was asked to give his stance on gay marriage.


*Note:  Honestly, why is there anyone left who opposes two people of the same sex getting married?  Gay people would like the same kinds of rights and recognition.  And I cannot for the life of me figure out why straight people give a shit.  Or why they’d want to prevent it from happening.  Really.  Why?*


Anyway, my point is…this exchange became more interesting when the Vietnam vet revealed (after his chat with Romney) that he is gay and married.

Even more interesting to me is how this exchange got spun in the media.


Here’s a sample of headlines:

NPR:  Romney Confronted by Gay Vietnam Vet on Same-Sex Marriage Stance

Boston Globe:  Romney defends same-sex marriage stance to gay veteran

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:  Romney grilled on gay marriage by gay NH veteran

ABC News:  Gay Veteran Steals the Show at Romney Endorsement Event

Washington Post:  ‘You can’t trust him,’ gay vet says after exchange with Romney in N.H.


You know what a buzzword is?  It’s something used in media to inflate an idea beyond its importance or to sway someone by hiding the real issue.  When the word “grilled” is used, as in “Romney was grilled”, it implies something negative has occurred.  It is meant to elicit sympathy for the grill-ee.  In this particular article, they state the veteran who grilled Romney did so because he is gay.  That’s probably a fair assessment in retrospect, but the “gay veteran” never tells Romney he is gay when he asked the questions.

And really?  Grilled is a misnomer here.  Watch the clip or listen to the audio and you just hear a citizen asking a question or two.


Likewise, the Washington Post leading with “You can’t trust him”  in the title certainly appears as if they tried to sway the reader immediately.  So, if you did not read the actual article, or watch/listen to the exchange, you walk away with “Romney is untrustworthy”.  I don’t necessarily believe that.  He stuck to his opinion.  I think his opinion is a load of donkey shit, but he stuck with it.


My favorite headline blurb so far is ABC’s reference to the veteran “stealing the show”.  The inference being that this is all for entertainment.  And, sadly, that’s mostly true.


The Boston Globe, however, prints the most ridiculous comment with the following:  “With that, it started to become clear that a routine campaign conversation could become hostile. Though Romney had no reason to know it, Garon – a 63-year-old from Epsom, N.H. — was sitting at the table with his husband.”

Okay?  Hostile?  Another buzzword, and seriously not accurate.  “Uncomfortable” was used a lot, and I get behind that.  But hostile?  No.

And, no, Romney had no reason to know he was talking to a gay man.  But why is that relevant?  The implication is that somehow Romney was “tricked”.  What, we disguised a gay man as a war veteran?  Is that what this means?

Furthermore, it sounds inappropriately ominous.  I could see the same tone being used in a mystery novel –  “The detective had no way of knowing he was interviewing the axe-wielding maniac.”


And, by the way, Fox News (as of last night) made no mention of this exchange on their web site.  I am pretty sure it’s because all their heads were exploding at the thought that a Vietnam war vet is gay and married.  Glenn Beck is no doubt rocking and weeping in a corner somewhere.

Yes, I can use hyperbole here because it’s my blog and I don’t have to be unbiased.  But these news sites?  They do.