Things I Just Don’t Understand

1) When Someone Comments on Something Online and Asks what an Acronym Means

You know, someone will be talking about ASPCA and some assmunch will supply the comment: “what does ASPCA stand for?”

Why is this confusing?  Because this person, whoever he or she is, is on a computer.  A computer that is a virtual font of information.  It will also usually be in amongst a string of comments, where somewhere someone else has already spelled out the acronym.  I don’t expect this person to scroll back down, but…hello?  One word:  GOOGLE.

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2) When Someone Calls You and Then Talks to Other People in the Background

Rude.

Seriously, unless your home is burning to the ground, etiquette dictates that you focus on the person on the phone.  This probably has its roots in a time when we paid dearly for every minute we were on the phone – you know, once we were able to get to a phone and turn that rotary dial.  But nowadays it’s just common courtesy.

And also?  If someone is that busy, I would hope they would be taking care of that shit and not calling me.

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3) People Who Circle Like Hawks to Find the Closest Parking Space Possible…to the Gym

This confounds me.  You’re going to the gym, presumably to exercise, and you are riding your ass around the parking lot in stalker fashion to snag the space opening up right next to the handicapped spot?  Bitch, please.  Does that make any sense?

If I had any say, all gyms would be located about a mile from the nearest parking facility and a chainsaw wielding redneck would run at patrons forcing them to make a mad dash to the gym doors.  Weight loss and cardio complete.  You are welcome.

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4) When Friends on Facebook “Like” a Negative Status

So, I have yet to figure out, I guess, this whole “like” thing on Facebook.  I had been using it to express my pleasure at the actual content of a status update or comment.  As in, “I like what you just said because it contained a positive event or humor.”  I have noticed, however, that sometimes friends like a status or comment because of the way it was written.  I guess.  I am making this up.  I don’t really know.  Because I have seen stuff like this:

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Facebook User I woke up today and I was inexplicably bleeding out of my eyeballs.  I look like the Crying Clown of Hell!

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There are people who, rather than express concern that this person is bleeding out of his or her eyes, will “like” this because it has a random witticism in it.  Go figure.

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5) People on Dating Sites Stating He or She is “Down to Earth”

Why?  Dear lord, why?  I wish I had a buck for every time I have seen this on someone’s profile.

What the fuck does this even mean?  And why should this be a draw for a mate?

Does this mean the person is tethered to heavy objects so he doesn’t float away?  Aren’t we all “down to earth” because would anyone say “I am up to the sky”?  (Though I admit if I saw someone write that, I’d propose to him immediately.)  Is “down to earth” meant to entice a mate because it means you know how to till farmland?  I am confused.

I totally feel like Inigo Montoya talking to Vizzini.  People keep using these words and I do not think they mean what they think they mean.

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Thoughts I had at the gym today:

1)  I am concerned that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow are going to start a race of sinewy-bony people who make bad music.

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2) While watching a segment on Good Morning America about the screaming trainer on Dance Moms, I wondered why anyone would take instruction about dance from that fat piece of shit.

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3) Just watching the Boston Fox News bitch’s mouth move makes me angry enough to punch a kitten.  Seriously, I JUST HATE HER MOUTH.

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Letter to the lady and her hidey hole

Dear Lady in the Gym Locker Room-

The hand towel you tried to wrap around your body appeared to be merely a pretense at covering up.  Rest assured, I could still see the Hairy Manilow.

At the risk of sounding like a prude, I really don’t want to see cooter after I have worked out and I just want to leave the gym.  Even more, I don’t want to have to gesture towards your snatch to indicate that my jacket is in the locker behind it.

I applaud your confidence, but please cover up the bearded clam.

Sincerely,

Heather

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