Naughty words – here they come…or…Stories that make me laugh

I recently recalled a few stories… that are true.  They are funny to me.  Probably because they involve naughty words or suggestive phrases.

Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed living them.

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Story one…

In 2003, I went to Gathering of the Vibes with two of my friends.  It was still being held in upstate New York on a huge parcel of land resembling a farm.  It might actually have been a farm.  It was huge fun (despite a downpour the first night).  I got to see James Brown!  (Weird, right?  At a jam band venue?)  While we were standing amongst a crowd waiting for the next show, my friend Charleen all of a sudden let out a bellowing laugh (this is her normal laugh, btw, hearty and from her toes).  I turned to look and a guy walking towards us had on a shirt that read:

FUCK YOU

YOU FUCKING FUCK

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As the guy walked by, he smiled at Charleen’s laugh (still in progress).  This guy was not huge or anything.  Just meaty.  And you could tell that he could back that t-shirt up one hundred percent.

It gets better.

Fast forward a few years, and in 2006 we went back to the Vibes (minus Charleen).  As my friend Amy and I walked amongst the vendors, I saw the guy.  I knew it was him.  So, I said to Amy, “I think that’s the ‘fuck you you fucking fuck’ guy.”  She said, “oh really” as if to say “that’s cute you see him everywhere now”.

But I walked up to this guy, and the following conversation took place:

Me: Were you here three years ago?

Guy: Yes…

Me: Do you have a t-shirt that says “fuck you you fucking fuck”?

Guy (perking up): Yes!  I do have a t-shirt that says “fuck you you fucking fuck”!

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Aha!  I knew it.  You just don’t forget a dude like that.  Or his aggressive shirt.

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Story two…

My ex-boyfriend was very funny.  He frequently matched my “cut you off at the knees” humor.  But he was also funny in an almost innocent “why are you laughing at that” way.

I don’t have to tell you he watched porn – not regularly like he needed an intervention, but like every guy on this planet watches porn.  Curious about this phenomena (because women just aren’t as into it, I don’t think), I asked him point-blank about this activity.

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Me: So…when you watch porn…do you masturbate?  I mean, is that what you do?

Ex (after some deliberation): Well… sometimes, I guess.  Sometimes, I just have a sandwich.

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A sandwich.

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That?  Has to be the funniest thing anyone has ever said relating to porn.  I instantly got an image of my ex sitting down to lunch and catching up on his porn.  Oh.  My.  God.

I continue to tell this story to this day as an example of how men view porn – part of life as well as part of a balanced meal.

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Last story…

For quite some time, I was a frequent patron of The Strange Brew Tavern (now over 100 beers on tap!).  I still like to go, but for a while I was there every Sunday night to see the blues jam musicians.

And I was not the only one.

There would be others who would also be there every Sunday night.  One of them was a veteran in a wheelchair.  I assumed he was a vet because he wore some type of patriotic ball cap and there were two American flags flying from each side of his chair.

One night, I happened to look over at the back of his chair, and then nearly fell off of mine.  He had a bumper sticker on the back of his wheelchair.  And this is what it said:

MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR MOM.

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Holy.  Hell.  Oh.  My.  God.

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I think I jabbed a friend and pointed madly.  “Look!”  I mean, that is BRAZEN.  But, you know what?  It was funny as hell and he got away with it.  So, good on him.

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You know the rules…and so do I.

Setting:  meeting with my company’s employee activities committee, discussing ways of revamping the committee’s website to be more appealing…

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Me: “I think that whenever someone clicks on the site, they should get Rick Rolled.”

Everyone: *laughter*

Me (to head of security): “Oh, but you probably don’t like that idea.”

Everyone: *laughter*

One person: “I’m sorry…what does that mean?”

Another person: “Do you remember Rick Astley?”

Me (singing): “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…”

Everyone: “I remember the first time I was Rick Rolled…”

Everyone: “But seriously, we should make the site fun and appealing.”

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Meeting has ended, everyone is getting up…

Me (to chairperson): “But seriously, give some thought to that Rick Roll idea.”

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End Scene

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