Dark Days

Text to my cousin two weeks ago…

“Just feeling sorry for myself, I guess. I hate my job for many reasons – mostly because it’s not what I want to be doing and is beneath me. But my mgmt blows so I’m going nowhere. My dream job is to work at [name omitted] but I’ve been trying to get a job there for almost 5 years with no luck. Found out yesterday that yet another job they interviewed me for went to someone else (which set off my downward spiral). Overall, I am not miserable (my basic needs are met) but I have few moments of joy. I keep wondering how I got here. No relationship, no family of my own, a job that doesn’t suit me… Worst part is that I can’t seem to change it. I either don’t know how or I’ve tried repeatedly and failed. I’m pretty sure I’m going to grow old and die alone, and die penniless. This is where my head has been at for quite a while.

Oh, and most of my friends who live nearby (that I could see in person) never contact me (I always have to contact them) – which makes me feel like shit because these are people I used to spend all my time with. On top of that, because most of them have kids, they no longer include me in things we all used to do together.”

It’s as if people forget I exist. Can I blame them?

Wish I could shake this.

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