I’m not funny and I think I scare people.

When it comes to men, I have a “type”.  That type is typically pasty white (from being inside a lot), pudgy (perhaps from not being outside that much), intelligent, and cuttingly sarcastic.  And by “intelligent” I mean freakishly so.  And by “cuttingly sarcastic”, I mean he is sometimes offensive and makes people cry.

I know.  It seems very specific.  I have a very specific type.

I also have a thing for gingers (if you’ve never heard the term, it’s red-haired men).

You don’t have to tell me I have narrowed down my dating pool significantly with all these specifics.  This is evidenced by the lack of dates I am going on.

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I get very excited when I see famous people who fit most or all of these criteria.  Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of them.  I don’t know if he is cuttingly sarcastic, but many of his roles require this trait so I can easily transpose it onto him.  I love this man.  I find him endlessly attractive.  I have always secretly loved Danny Bonaduce, but he lacks any modicum of decency, so he’s out.  Kevin McKidd is absolutely dreamy, but I see no trace of sarcasm in him.  And Seth Green?  Oh my gosh, I have loved him for ages.  He’s married to a super hot model/actress but I don’t hold that against him.  He is fantastically talented.

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And then there is Louis CK.  This man is brilliantly funny.  His latest TV show “Louie” is, at times, very funny.  But mostly it is cringe-inducing awkward.  Which makes it funny.  You know?

Anyway, in another move I can file under “shit I do that makes me look like a crazy mofo“, I sent Louis CK a message.  It stated:

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“I totally missed the boat on getting tickets to one of the nine hundred shows you’re doing in Boston. I also missed out on the one in Portland, ME. I basically suck at life.
I have you seen you before a few times and I am hoping this carries me through the depression that I am most likely going to fall into because of my inability to pay attention to shit.
I live in southern NH, though, so if you want to hang out and have coffee while you’re around, let me know. I have a thing for gingers (it’s true), but I’d leave it at just coffee.”

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Really?  Really, Heather?

Yes, really.  And in my unrealistic fantasy, Louis CK actually takes me up on my offer, and then he and I become the best of friends.  My new best friend Louis comes with me to parties and events and some of his new jokes are about our adventures together.

And while I know this is unrealistic, some strange part of me still thinks it might happen.  Because if I can’t imagine a non-existing friendship with Louis CK, then my life is OVER.

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I need a job.  Soon.  I have way too much time on my hands.

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