Mem-ries…….like the corners of my mind…

I went to visit my family this past weekend.  Specifically, I went to see my mom so that we could go through some things at my grandmother’s house.  She is still in her home, but does not use the upstairs and stuff is getting old and dusty from not being used.

We also took her out to lunch.

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My grandmother used to be 5′ 1″ but has shrunk from age and poor posture.  She’s also legally blind and mostly deaf.  Outings consist of a lot of screaming and slow methodical movement.  When we got to the restaurant, my mother asked me to bring her in so she could enjoy a cigarette (and perhaps to mellow out after a screaming car ride).  As my grandmother took my arm in the wind, she hunkered down against me.  This made me laugh and when she caught me laughing she said, “If your grandfather was here, he would call me a humped up turd.”

HUMPED UP TURD.

You guys?  That may be the funniest expression ever in the history of the world.  And I could totally hear him saying it.  Humped up turd.  Perfect.

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This prompted us to remember all my grandfather’s other pet names.  Chief among them was the phrase “goddam peckerhead” (pronounced “peckah-head”) and (my personal favorite) calling my grandmother Lo-Ass (her name is Lois).

I know it sounds like he was kind of crappy, but really these were terms of endearment.  If he did not call you something, well…you just weren’t important.

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Furthermore…my grandmother?  She kind of deserved it.  When we sat down in the restaurant a girl walked by and asked my grandmother, “Can I take your cane and hang it up so no one trips on it?”  To which my grandmother replied, “I’d rather have someone trip on it.”  The girl laughed.  My grandmother gave the girl a nice little grimace to give the impression she was joking, but… my mother and I passed a glance – we knew she was not joking.   Lo-Ass indeed.

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Anyway, I love my family.  Not in spite of the mean streak, but because of it.  🙂

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