Here comes the Bride…and her beautiful, hungover, hungry bridesmaids…

Herein is where I blog about the wedding that I referred to in the post where I did not wear underwear.

It has taken me too long to get to this.  There were many challenges… like being super busy at work, and I am lazy, and I had stuff going on, and I am lazy, and the entire New England area lost power, and I am really…Just.  So.  Lazy.

To recap:  I was in a wedding, and, during the rehearsal events the night before the wedding, much frivolity occurred, and I went around for a good portion of the night not wearing anything under my skirt and being kind of douchey.  You may have guessed (after reading the last post) we were sort of hungover the day of the wedding.  I woke up feeling like I’d give up ever wearing underwear again just to not have my body feel this shitty.

And don’t forget the cast of players:

Bride and Groom

Bridesmaids (Kristina, Cassie, Shalisha, Shelly, and me)

Groomsmen (Pat, Freiss, Chris, Greg, Bryan)

Fortunately for me, the day of the wedding was spent in the Bride’s suite getting ready.  We all had our hair and makeup done.  When it comes to wedding hair, there is no such thing as too many bobby pins.  MORE PINS!  MORE HAIRSPRAY!   JUST STAPLE IT TO MY HEAD!

We all also wore a flower in our hair.

I tried to take a picture of the flower, but turning my aching head was a challenge.

At one point while we were getting ready, I mused aloud, “Did I really tell (the Groom)’s mother that I had no underwear on?”

Shelly: “Aw.  It’s cute you think you did not tell everyone that.


And I am not sure why, but our day of beauty was interrupted, like, 3 times by the GROOM popping in to the room.  After the Bride screamed at him for just barging in and seeing her, he knocked.  So, every time there was a knock at the door, one of us bridesmaids would FLY at the door ready to throw ourselves in the way.  Self-sacrifice is one of the requirements of being a bridesmaid.

I cracked the door to the Groom once and said, “what do you want?”  He said, “I just need to grab something.”  Me:  “What is it?  We’ll grab it for you.  Because you’re NOT COMING IN.”  See?  Bridesmaid shield – ON.

When we were all done with hair and makeup, pictures were being taken because this was being done before the wedding.  (GREAT IDEA – if you get married, please do this because then guests don’t have to wait for you FOREVER.)  We knew that the Groom and family members would see the Bride before the actual ceremony, but when we came out of the elevators THERE WERE SO MANY MORE PEOPLE THAN THAT.  Shalisha said, “What are all these people doing here??”  I said, “Quick!  Make a protective circle around the Bride!”

Eventually they were made to move, but for a while it was like this:

No, we are not giving autographs today. Please keep back.

Oh, and I have a question to ask…  Hypothetically speaking, if you were in a wedding and were also in the bride’s previous wedding, would you remark that taking a picture with her in a wedding dress “seems so familiar”?  Probably not, because that’s mean, right?  Just checking.  Oops.

Anyway, we retired to a special room to rest before we went down the aisle.  It had a name, but I like to call it the “Champagne Room”.  No sex in the Champagne Room, people.

None for ya'

I feel I should mention this now (because it’s one of the reasons I did not guzzle more bottles of champagne):  None of the bridesmaids had eaten since breakfast at 10:00am.  Please remember this fact.

The ceremony was lovely and blessedly short.  The Bride’s uncle read “Desiderata”.  And when he read this line: “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit”, the bridesmaids fluttered about a bit.  Shalisha leaned in to me and said, “Oh no!  That’s me!”  I whispered back, “That’s ALL of us.”  Aw crap.

Before the reception, there was a cocktail hour.  With snacks.  And I think it was at this point that the bridesmaids realized WE WERE FUCKING RAVENOUS.  I think I was shaking from the hunger.

As soon as we could leave the Champagne Room, we bombed out of there.  I pushed aside guests with my wall of chiffon and, let me tell you, shoving my face into a pile of baba ganoush never felt so good.  There were people walking around with trays of stuff too.  A guest at the wedding, who I knew and had not seen for a while, stopped to talk to me.  “Hey, how are you?”  Me: “Great!  How are…oh, is that more food?”

Enter lady with tray of fried looking balls.  What’s that?  Lobster risotto?  My hand reached out to snatch one of those fried balls before you could say “that bridesmaid scares me”.

When I did this, it made the lady realize she had no toothpicks – because I had just glommed onto that ball with my whole hand and shoved it into my mouth with one shaking fist.  So, she turned to go back and get toothpicks.  At which point, I heard Shalisha behind me saying, “Was that food?  Where is she going???  TELL HER TO COME BACK.”

I may or may not have looked like this.

I am not saying I am proud for stuffing my face while wearing pretty hair, makeup, and a chiffon evening gown, but it was either that or pass out while making my entrance into the reception.


To be continued…

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1 Comment

  1. Reception…not to be confused with that lame Leonardo DiCaprio movie « Hormones on Parade

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