The Key Incident

I cannot believe I have not blogged about this yet.  I also have, like, a bunch of other stuff to blog, but THE KEY INCIDENT happened several weeks ago and I need to hammer it out.  Right now.

I decided one night after work to stop and get an eggplant parm sub from Nadeau’s.  Delicious.  Awesome.  I ordered my sub to go and then politely stood back to wait for my order to come up.  Several parties trickled in after me.  Eventually, my number was called, I grabbed my sub and…. I CAN’T FIND MY KEYS.

My keys consist of every key I need for my life.  To exist.  My car “key” (which is one of those switch blade type of keys that pop out of a black plastic square), my house keys, my mailbox key…even my basement storage keys – ALL MISSING.  My first step was to check my pockets.  Then my purse.  Then the counter.  Then I asked the kid behind the counter – “have you seen a set of keys?  did anyone turn keys in?”  Nope.  Then he asked me if I left them in my car.  Nope – this I know had not happened because I used my car key to lock the car.

There ensued roughly 15-20 minutes of the following phrases being uttered:

“I just don’t know where they could have gone.”

“Is my car still there?  Oh, good.”

“Okay, I’ll check my car.” (No keys.)

“Are you sure they are not behind the counter?”

“I did not go into the dining room, but I’ll check there anyway.”

“I’ve checked my purse 6 times, but I’ll look again.”

“Let me check to see if I dropped them outside.”

Checked my pockets.  Then my purse.  Checked my pockets.  Then my purse.  Checked my pockets.  Then my purse.  Ad nauseum…


So there I was, ever increasingly cooler eggplant parm sub tucked under my arm, wandering in circles inside roughly a 20 square foot spot.  THEY MUST BE HERE.

Other customers were even voicing concern… “what are you looking for?”  “have you checked your purse?”  “did you leave them in your car?”


I have to stop here and say that I had reached a point where I really was at a loss.  I had my phone, so my next move was to call a friend who has house keys (I have a few) to bring me to my house.  What else could I do???  It was as if my keys…. DISAPPEARED.

As a last ditch attempt, I went back into the dining area (a mere 18 inches away) and looked around.  Two women, who had come in after me, were sitting there.  They looked to be almost done with their meal.  In a defeated, desperate tone, I asked, “Have you seen any keys?”

The older of the two ladies said, “Oh wait!”, held up one finger in a “just a sec” gesture, and then pulled my keys out of her purse.







As she handed me my keys, her friend jabbed her arm rather playfully and said, “I thought they were yours so I picked them up and handed them to you!”  ahahahahaha

Very funny.  Bitches.

(Can I pause and say right now that, in addition to an assortment of keys unique to my person, there is also a tiny flip-flop with my name on it attached to the key ring?)

And guess what I did?  After about a half hour of waiting.  After my sub got cold.  After everyone there watched me walk around in a circle like a nut.  What did I say?

“Gee, I’ve been looking for these for 20 minutes.”

The younger woman chuckled and said, “Sorry!” and the older one looked disinterested (which I think was her resting state).  And it did not seem to resonate with either one of them that they had been holding my keys hostage.  I felt like I really should have said more, made them feel worse…but I was so dumbfounded!

What shocked me was not that someone accidentally picked up my keys.  What shocked me was that at the mention of keys, this woman knew that she had them.  And then acted like it was the most natural thing in the world to have someone else’s keys in your purse.  “Tra-la-la!  Oh, is this what you were looking for?  Fiddle-dee-dee!”

So, I went home.  With my cold sub.  And bitterness in my heart.

I should have made them buy me a new sub.  Dang it.

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  1. colleen

     /  January 4, 2011

    When things like this happen I often spend entirely too much time thinking about what I should have said, could have done. For instance, when I read this I thought, forget the sub, she should have waited in the parking lot and followed them home. Letting the air out of the woman’s 4 tires would have certainly taken up more than 20 minutes of her time filled with frustration…..or perhaps removing and hiding a license plate say “in your purse” would have been more in balance with the offense.

    I am aware this eye for an eye thing does not reflect well on my personality.

  2. I did spend too much time thinking up revenge scenarios. That’s why I am going to hell.

    No, that’s not true. My fate was sealed ages ago.

  3. k-dot

     /  July 12, 2011

    i had a similar situation at work, had put my keys down, then later couldn’t find them. Spent 6 hours looking for them (not an exageration), asked everyone in a mile radius. Ended up having to break into my house. The next morning when I went to work someone comes up to me, I have your keys, they were in my pocket. This was the same person who helped me look for my keys for at least an hour, and who repeatedly said to me, all i have are my keys.

    • Did you kick that person in the shins? That seems like the only reasonable reaction as far as I am concerned.


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