DISCLAIMER: Do not read further if you don’t want to read about my boobs.

I had my first mammogram today.  And it was NOT THAT BAD.  Seriously.  For one thing, my appointment was for 4:45 and I was done by 4:57.  And that included the paperwork.  Although everyone told me it was going to be horrid, it really was not.

What I did not anticipate, however, was finding the experience REALLY FUCKING FUNNY.

I had a nice woman to help, who I am sure has seen 85,742 breasts in her career – give or take.  As I stood there naked from the waist up, modesty took a back seat to “let’s get ‘er done”.  She told me that I just needed to step up to the machine (platform with clear glass plate above), and she’d “do all the work”.  The process basically involved her hoisting a tit onto the plate.  Yes, I said “hoisting a tit”.  My boobs are too big to warrant delicate language like “she gently lifted my breast…”  No, no, no.  She HOISTED A TIT.  Once she did that, she got it into place by kneading it like dough.  Then she squashed it.  (She squashed tit.  hahaha)

And, I don’t know what it was… the hoisting part…the kneading…the looking at my boob impersonating a pancake…the pure absurdity of having someone else handle my breasts like slabs of meat…. but I had the urge to LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.  At one point, she told me to turn my head towards her, and I was afraid to because I was biting my lip to keep from laughing – and I knew…I KNEW… she would see this and think I was some crazy “laughs at mammograms” person.  But… It.  Was.  The.  Funniest.  Thing.  Ever.

After each image was taken, she said, “take a step back”.  What she forgot to say was “peel your boob off the platform and take a step back”.  Each time I had to move away, I experienced that stick of flesh on a flat surface (sort of like in the summer when you sit on a leather chair with shorts on and you need to disengage your thighs from the leather?).  Each time I grunted with the effort of this disengagement (peeling! hoisting! hey! oh!) I just wanted to laugh even more.

Because I had to resist laughing at the tit hoisting et al, I had to let the pressure out by laughing at other things deemed more appropriate for laughing (more appropriate than laughing at a mammogram, that is).  For example, I blurted out the following: “Sorry that my armpits smell!”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  “I followed the directions like they said and didn’t use deodorant, so I’m sure they stink.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

It was overkill.  And I am sure at some point I came across as maniacal about my own jokes and strangely delighted with mammograms.

In any event, the actual procedure was mildly uncomfortable at most (both physically and mentally).  In fact, I wanted to look at the machine and yell, “Is that all you got, BOOB CRUSHER?!!!?”

But, man, if I knew it was going to crack me up as much as it did, I would have had a mammogram ages ago.

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  1. colleen

     /  November 19, 2010

    Wow….I can’t wait to have my first now!

  2. Monica

     /  December 16, 2011

    somehow I am led to your blog through a random Google search, and I am so grateful…this made me genuinely laugh out loud! thank you!


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